No Sugar Tonight
by WargishBoromirFan
Summary: Post BDM, Jayne deals with crazy women and bad coffee, River experiments, and Zoe tries to move on. Just a touch of tongue in cheek Rayne.
1. No Sugar Tonight

A/N: Not my characters. Now, don't get me wrong; I'm a sucker for well-written romances, be they canon or fanon, but there are a lot of otherwise well-written fics I've read recently that forget that while the show didn't necessarily put up much opposition to a River/Jayne pairing, there really wasn't much more to establish it than there was to support Book/Mal. So, of course, my cynically optimistic mind came up with this in response to "clap on" romances...

* * *

Jayne cracked open an eye at the creak of a door. "Aw, hell no…" he grumbled at the sight of his unwelcome visitor. "What you think you're doin' here, Crazy?" 

"Simon and Kaylee are getting sexually intimate, Mal and Inara are avoiding intimacy, and Zoe is sick of hearing about it. Someone has to keep an eye on the madgirl." The last sentence came out in a pitch-perfect impression of Jayne's tone. Ignoring the recumbent man's expression of distaste, River made herself at home, sitting on the end of his bunk.

"Don't want you near my knives. Don't especially want you near me, neither." Jayne rolled away, pulling the covers over his head. Maybe she'd finally take a hint for once and go away. With any luck, she might at least get bored and wander off somewhere else.

"I believe we already established that I could knock you out without the use of any weapons," she replied dantily, leaning over him.

"Just was surprised at that bar. Won't happen again," the big merc growled defensively. He felt a poke to the base of his skull through the blanket, calling his bluff.

"Would you like to move past the Maidenhead, Jayne?" River's voice was surprisingly gentle.

He snorted, coming up for air. "Would I ever. 'Snot like the cap or the doc'll ever drop it, though."

"I would be willing to do so." Jayne glanced to his left, beyond the tangle of blankets. River was still stretched out on the bunk next to him. Her vest, however, was not where he had last seen it.

Jayne scrambled into a sitting position, trying to figure out the quickest way out of bed that did not require touching the topless girl. Certainly, if he had been in this situation with any other female, in any other circumstances, he wouldn't complain about a free and unexpected bit of skirt. But no matter how much he might like the current view, there was the crazy underneath to think about. Not to mention the elder brother and the captain who wouldn't be too happy with the merc if he gave in to his primary urges. Not that Jayne didn't think that he couldn't deal with Mal if he had to or that Simon couldn't benefit from a good gunshot wound in the leg every now and then, but if he hurt her boys, he'd upset Kaylee, and that would cause him no end of hurt.

"What're you playin' at, girl?" Jayne asked, trying to mask his surprise with anger. He was careful to keep his eyes on her face. Normally, he was more concerned about what her hands were doing, but he would have to go without that information for now.

One of those unseen hands trailed across his shoulder, towards his chest. Jayne had gone to bed in a tank and a pair of loose pants, but the fabric suddenly felt much too thin. "Getting us past the maidenhead," River answered.

Jayne grabbed her hands, and pushed her off the bunk, bounding for the door with undignified speed. "Gorram Crazy," he muttered to himself, walking purposely towards the galley. The synthetic coffee was more mud than bean, but maybe a cup of it would banish the night's insanity and the feel of River's skin against his.

The galley kitchen was all but desserted at this hour; only Zoe studied the cans of protein in a vain attempt to find something that would fulfill her cravings. "C'n I ask you something?" Jayne said, reaching around her to pull out the mix.

"Seems you just did." Used to his blunt speech patterns, the first mate wasted no words on greeting.

"How come you got the least amount o' ragin' hormones on this crew when you're about to pop?" Jayne motioned uneasily to the dark-skinned woman's rounding womb.

"Someone's gotta deal with you kids." Zoe's eyes flickered briefly towards Jayne before she masked her amusement once more. "Any reason you ask?"

"Nah," Jayne said, gulping the steaming hot beverage that he could almost pretend was coffee. "Just curious."

Zoe bit off a disbelieving snort. "That's what River said when I saw her wandering about eariler." Very carefully, Jayne swallowed, and then attempted to stare down the soldier. As usual, it didn't work. "How's the coffee?" she asked.

"No sugar," the mercenary said, making a face at his cup to avoid looking guilty. "Could really go for some of the real stuff instead o' the synth."

Zoe fixed herself a cup, frowning at the taste. "It _is_ bitter. Gotta make due with what we got, though." She took a second measured sip, controlling her expression.

"Don't mean we can't wish for better," Jayne said, setting down his empty cup.

"No," The first mate said agreeably, swirling the sludge in her cup before taking another sip. "Problem is finding the good stuff and then being able to pay for it."

"I could find better'n that go se on any gorram dirtball you set me down on." Jayne pointed an incriminating finger at his cup. "Even have a little money leftover... somewhere."

"We'll set down where we need to set down." Zoe's tone was firm and final. "'Til then, I'll stick with the mud."

"Still say it could use some sugar," Jayne muttered.


	2. New Mother Nature

A/N: Ahem: _Clap for the Whedon; h__e owns the Firefly._

_Not me, just Whedon. __I'm gonna dig 'em 'til the day I die!_

(All apologies, also, to the Guess Who, for their inspiration for title and poorly filked disclaimer.)

* * *

Zoe had been… odd. She had always seemed a little strange to River; a calm smooth surface and crushing depths of anger-love-rage-protectiveness-bloodlust-sadness-laughter bitter and sweet just beneath. Though the amyglada in River's brain had been removed, Zoe seemed to have extra. Her emotions were there, of course - River could see them simmer just beneath the subvocal level and catch the momentary reactions of the first mate's ganglia and facial muscles – but the lid was tight on that pot. Tight enough to heat past boiling.

On Miranda, the pressure cooker finally exploded. River supposed that it must have done so before, but before then, there'd always been somebody to help Zoe glue herself back together with a little bit of arguing and a lot of love and laughter. Now, Zoe was left empty.

Or nearly so… A couple months after, when they'd managed to touch down in one place for a week without needing to fear, for once (didn't need to, but River still did. Purplebellies had gone yellow, but the hands of blue were still going on two by two by two until they see you…) Zoe had seen another doctor. She'd wanted another opinion besides the Boob's. (River didn't blame her. She'd seen as many births as her brother had.) The other doc had agreed, and Zoe had come back crying and laughing and her thoughts were filled with thanks and fights with Wash. The captain had been more than a little nervous, and that argument floated through Zoe's mind again: _Ship is no place to raise a baby_.

"It's better than a rotting Core," River jumped in.

"Well, we're all glad it's nothin' fatal, Albatross," Malcolm had replied offhandedly. He didn't understand, as usual. Zoe's expression was carefully blank. River didn't think she had understood, either, but that, too, was nothing particularly noteworthy. What was noteworthy was the way Zoe had turned down the captain's offers. No safe pasture for this new mother. River didn't think those existed anymore. But a mother Zoe would be.

Kaylee had been estatic, her mind flashing bubbling rainbows of joy. Once Simon and Inara had known Zoe's thoughts on the matter, they too showed smiles, but River had seen the fear in the back, just like the captain's. River didn't know why they were so scared. Mal had been Daddy to her and Simon when their Father wouldn't-couldn't-shouldn't come, and Simon and Inara ought to know plenty of taking care of little ones by now. They'd helped her deliver a baby boy, after all. Some of Zoe's slight worries River could understand, but it all just boiled down to a change. This crew had seen enough changes to know that not all such things were bad, and even the worst could have some silver (rusting now, but they'd put on a new coat of paint and she'd hold together until touch down, if lucky dinosaurs meant anything) lining.

And a little one… Well, that was hardly the worst that had ever happened to them. River could teach her how to run and dance and hang upsidedown by her knees and fifty ways to disable an opponent while barefoot… And jacks. River and Kaylee both would have to teach Young Miss Washburn jacks. But Zoe would have to have the honor of teaching her about the dinosaurs. River still wasn't quite sure what some of the models were supposed to represent. There was one that sort of resembled an Allosaurus, but was entirely lacking in feathers, when the fossil evidence from Earth-That-Was was quite clear on this point.

River wondered if her own biological imperative would be affecting her judgement soon. She rather liked other people's children, provided that they showed a modicum of intellect and were willing to interact with her, but she had never been particularly interested in procuring small moonbrains. Perhaps some experimentation was in order, just to see if there really was a woman lurking beneath the living weapon that the Alliance had carved out of her mind.

She had really never asked Jayne for his opinion. He seemed mostly indifferent to the idea of a new small one on Serenity, and one didn't have to read minds to know his general thoughts on matters of a sexual nature.

The latter made him the most logical choice for River's own intial experiments. Jayne could be counted upon to accept whatever trim was offered, unlike Simon or Mal. River didn't understand why her brother had been so upset about her early inquiries as to that matter, but it was of no pressing concern. So, perhaps, she would never know the methods of the ancients. River was forced to conceed that her brother was probably right on the matter of recessive alleles, and besides, it might upset Kaylee. Jayne was known to love 'em and leave 'em, and even if she could not exactly be left behind the next time Serenity took to the sky, he could be nearly as professional as Inara. River had briefly considered going to the former Companion for training, but River knew the female form well enough. She wanted to test something new.

How could she be upset, then, when plain, instinctual Jayne shouted surprise-fear-lust-anger-noblity-violence at her with words and mind and action? Rising from the floor, unmindful of her vest or the open door, River considered the room once more. She would have to study this Cobb specimen more thoroughly. He was beginning to intrigue her.


	3. Gonna Mess Your Mind

A/N: I own nothing. Well, you asked, and for once, the crackbunnies responded, with their ever-twisted logic. My thanks for the recommendation to the "Jayne's Crazy" C2, though I sometimes wonder about this fic's qualifications. Eh, if I can still refer to myself as a M/I shipper after considering Mal/Book (though I haven't yet worked anything in) I guess this counts...

* * *

"Jayne!" A voice came roaring from the catwalk, followed shortly after by its irate owner. "Zoe, have you seen my mercenary or my pilot? They were supposed to be back three hours ago." 

"You did give them shore leave all day, sir," the first mate said calmly.

"Yeah, but Badger's gettin' anxious an' I want somebody I trust with a gun at my back when I go see him." Mal appeared to reconsider this statement in light of the two missing persons. "Well, somebody whose mental issues I'm familiar with, anyway," he revised with a quick shrug.

"I'll go," Zoe volunteered.

Malcolm Reynolds paused, concern and gratefulness flickering over his open features. He did try, when he needed to, but Mal had never developed a decent poker face. Not where the women of his ship were concerned, at any rate. "I'd rather take Jayne, or River, if I have to," Mal started slowly, scratching his head. "Ain't that I don't trust you to take care, Zoe, but I don't want to make it more complicated 'n necessary."

"I'm havin' a baby; I'm not dying, Mal." Zoe's arms were crossed firmly in front of her chest. "And I'm not doing either today."

Her captain looked away. "Better gorram well hope not. We just cleaned all the bloodstains off this floor." Mal walked towards the open hatch, and Zoe fell into step just behind him. "But by month seven, you are staying away from extra trouble, you hear me?"

"Yes, sir." They both quietly ignored the fact that he had said the same about the fifth month. "Thanks," she whispered as she walked out the hatchway, her eyes staring at nothing in particular in the cargo storage.

"Dunno why you're thanking me; Badger ain't no treat to be around, as far as I'm concerned," Mal said, glancing back. His first mate just gave a tight-lipped smile and followed after him, nodding as the captain explained the plan on their way out.

"We clear now, Crazy?" a rougher voice inquired from the smuggler's hold. "I hate bein' all squeezed up like this…"

Girlish laughter emantated from a nearby footlocker stacked some four or five levels off the ground. The lid jiggled, and large brown eyes peeked through the resultant gap. "The coast is crystal."

Emerging from their boltholes, Jayne and River stretched and smoothed their rumpled clothing. As soon as the big mercenary's complaints died down to a few muttered curses, the girl leaped at him and threw her arms about his neck. "Ape Man was amazing," she said, kissing his left temple.

Very carefully, Jayne extracted himself from the young mind reader's grip. "Get off," he rumbled with ill-concealed affection, placing his hand on her head and holding her at arm's length. "I'm in enough trouble as it is."

"Fire burn and cauldron bubble," River agreed, breaking free of his grip. "I can hardly wait to tell Kaylee."

"Oh, no. You tell her and then it'll get to Simon and the captain, and they won't bother with a cauldron or nothin'." Jayne checked uneasily behind him to see if Mal had mysteriously reappeared just beyond the hatch.

They had not, but Serenity's new pilot was on the verge of disappearing, headed for the engine room. "River!" Jayne ran after her. "River, wait, gorramit!" The only answer was another giggle.

The mercenary edged to the doorway, praying that Kaylee was off somewhere with Simon and not someplace in which she'd be in a position to gossip about him with River.

Jayne had arrived at Kaylee's closed door just barely into the conversation, but he knew he was already much, much too late. "He took me to the bar. Said someone has to teach me how to live it up on the Rim."

Jayne groaned as a second, lighter, feminine voice joined in. "He did, did he? Is our Jayne getting romantic? It wouldn't be a bad match, you know…" Kaylee sounded entirely too hopeful about this possible turn of events for the big merc's liking.

"If going out for alcoholic beverages and sexual relations counts as romantic, I suppose so." River was at least very matter-of-fact about the whole thing, with no extra drama. Jayne wasn't sure if this was a good sign or not.

The mechanic squealed with delight. "Wo de mah! You two… Already? Took me ten months and two gunshot wounds to lead Simon up to it."

"They had boy-whores." The mercenary could practically hear the satisfied smile in River's voice, and he didn't even want to attempt to picture Kaylee's expression. It was too close in his mind to what he imagined the last look he saw on Mal and Simon's faces would be. That was, if they gave Jayne enough time to make a running start of it before they began firing.

Jayne banged his head against the doorframe once more. _Another really gorram brilliant plan accomplished by yours truly,_ he chided himself. He should have known better than to try to work with River. Jayne hadn't really thought through all the potential consquences to begin with, and Crazy threw a spanner in the works every time. At least maybe she wouldn't come creeping into his room in the middle of the night, now. At least she'd probably leave her clothes on when she eventually did come in and steal all his weapons and kill him in his sleep. He hoped.

Didn't he?

River laughed again, and after a muted comment or gesture, so did Kaylee. Despite the whiskeys he had shot eariler in the day at the bar, Jayne suddenly very badly wanted a drink.


End file.
